Anal Freakum Dresses

Well hello my devoted fans! Welcome to my world, new and improved for 2007! Now, as usual, i was over yonder at my favorite hangout Crunk and Disorderly, and a conversation about Tyrese/Black Ty very quickly derailed and moved on the the subject of anal sex (how the fuck that happened, I'll never know). Anyway, suffice it to say that yours truly has had a lil bit of 'sperience with that backdoor lovin', so I figured since I'm quickly becoming C&D's resident Dr. Ruth, I might as well gone ahead and break this one off.

ANAL SEX FOR THE UNINITIATED

Now, first thing's first, pat yourself on the back for coming out of the dubious mindset that anal sex is dirty/wrong/nasty/whatever your hang up. The anus in and of itself is not dirty, but the bodily waste which passes through the canal is filled with all kinds of bacteria both from the food you eat and the rest of the digestive tract. This little bit of dirt can be overcome with a good enema. I can hear ya'll asses ewwwwwwwwwwwwwin', but an enema is essential if you want your man to put his penis back there without a condom (more on my views on that coming up). And since the anus is simply a temporary storage facility for solid waste (much as the bladder is for urine), a good poop before you do your enema is a nice touch too. The enema will handle all the leftovers, so fall back and continue!

Now, some of ya'll might think that you can just jump in and start riding that booty like it's a horse, but that's the kinds shit that will catch a sistah a case, ya hear me? Proper staging of the stretching of the anus is mandatory! Please believe that them trashy bitches in the porn movies did not just wake up one day and say to themselves "Self, I think I wanna shove a baseball bat sized dick up my ass tonight". No, Most of them started their initiation into anal sex the way any woman with a fuckin' ounce of sense (and an aversion to excruciating pain and an embarrassing as hell trip to the hospital): with a well lubricated (and preferably gloved) finger in their anus (or even licking the anus if you're really feeling skittish) to start. This can be done every night for as long as it takes you to feel comfortable with having something inside (or on) your anal opening.

When that begins to feel good, try adding either a second finger or a medium sized anal plug. You might even want to try a plug that vibrates for extra sensation. I know, I know... thas nasty right? Yeah well, get over it. Continue to do this, adding one finger or moving up to a larger toy until you feel ready to take the plunge and let your man enjoy your "hospitality". My recommendation is to make sure you get a toy which has either a sturdy base ( like this) or one which has a nice handle (my first anal toy)

Now right here is when I take a break to holla at the men I know are reading this shit. Fellas, I know you've been working hard, being patient and shit, so congrats to you on having made it to the finish line so to speak. But ummmm, let me hip ya'll to 3 verrrrrrrrrrrrry important things to know should you desire yo woman to repeat this anal performance for yo simple asses (and I say that shit with luff):

1) the asshole is a non self lubricating orifice. Simply put, my ass don't make it's own juices like my coochie do! Please feel free to put more than a fuckin' dime sized amount of lube on your dick before attempting to ram it inside me! Which brings me to my next point:

2) My ass ain't a fuckin' rubber band! It does not stretch as easily as my bagina, so please, for the love of G-d, stop trying to fuck it like it does! Just cause them nasty heffas in the pornos can fuck like they asses are made from Michellin or Goodyear rubber don't mean that my novice asshole can too! Some of them been doing movies for years. Go slow! Now that brings me to...

3) Just cause them porn ho's do it in every scene don't mean I will! I'm opening my body up to you in ways you can't even imagine, but don't start ackin' like a fuckin' greedy ass donkey just cause I'm giving you my ass. That will catch you a thoat chop, a chin shot and pussy probation for a month! Anal sex may be reserved for the following (and I bet not catch yo punk ass whinin' about it either or I'll pull a Pussy Nazi on yo ass: Nooooooo coochie for you!!!): B'days, Hannukkah, raises, Christmas, New Years, pretty gifts and any other special occassion I or your woman sees fit to dispense it. Don't like it? Kick rocks you greedy muh'fukka! Hmph!

Now, whether or not you wear a condom, is up to you, but I will tell you this: if you don't want your man to catch a yeast infection (yeah, he can catch one which will in turn give you one of you're sexing without a condom), then you need to make him wear one. We basically have 2 options: we either do the ass last if no condom will be worn, or wear one if the coochie comes next WHICH MUST BE CHANGED AS SOON AS IT COMES OUT OF THE ANUS... basically you can't be swapping the dick back and forth lest WE be indisposed next week having a deep, heart to heart with our dear friend Mr Monistat. Don't give me that shit about "he don't like wearing condoms" either, cause hey, this is the '00's and no glove = no love. Condoms also help to keep clean up to a minimum (do you wanna stop the music to help him clean shitty dick? I thought not). I take it you see what I'm talking about?

Ladies, it's mandatory that you be properly relaxed when he begins to push into you. One good way to help ease the insertion is to bear down like you're making a bowel movement. (If you waited long enough after you did your enema, you won't shit on him). Try taking a hot bath and doing whatever you find that helps you to 1) relax and 2) feel very, very sexy because you are about to engage in some very sexually intense behavior. Fantasize, drink a glass of wine, smoke some foggggggg (yeah, thas for you Ninja) or whatever.

Last but not least, lube. Proper application of adequate lubrication is the key to a successful bid in Anal Sexum University. It also helps if you apply the lubrication inside of the asshole as well. I recommend Lube Shooters. They help get the lubricant exactly where it needs to be. If you're looking for a lube, try a silicone based one for anal. It's slipperyer (is that a word? LOL) and lasts a lot longer than a water based lube (less application = less stop/start). Some good ones can be found here Adam & Eve's Silicone Lubes. Those sensation reducing lubes are good if that's what you want, but my experience has shown that 9 times out of 10, if you're properly relaxed and prepped, they're not needed (not to mention they leave his penis numb if used without a condom and make it so he's banging into you without knowing how hard he's going).

Well that's it. You know know everything you need to know about getting your anal sexxy on, so go forth and try it with my blessings. I hope you enjoy... in more ways than one ;) (Q you know you is my new play sister for proofin' this and adding what I missed, right???)

Head... 'Til You're Burnin' Up!!!

Lawd hammercy. I was just over at my fave guilty pleasure
C&D and the topic came around to blowjobs. Someone (I believe it was JaySpice's ole horny ass) went over to Xtube and found a video of supahead doing her thing, and the conversation quickly turned to oral sex. Now Mz Nikki had quite a bit of experience with "Executives" so here I am on this gloomy ass day blogging about them. Someone asked me to write a tutorial about them, so here goes. By the way, this is long and involved, so don't say I ain't warned you.

1. Make sure you have adequate preparation. This includes warming yourself up by doing whatever it is that makes you feel sessy. Daydreamin' about all the freaky shit I wanna do to Reggie Bush and Darren Sharper during that 3some works for me.

2. Assemble all of your tools. I always recommend a nice silicon based lube to keep the friction to a minimum, but good old fashioned spit works well too. Fruit, jellies, flavored lube, whipped cream & a towel for him to lie on are also nice additions. Non lubricated condoms are a must if this is new divk!!! Just make sure you get the super sheer ones. I recommend Trojan Non Lubricated Condominiums

3. Work your man into a frenzy but playing to his particular weakness. If you've been with your man for awhile, you know what I'm speakin' about, so do yo thang! My dealer likes to be told in no uncertain terms just what it is I'm about to do, so I can talk dirtier than any porn star. Play around with yours and see what works for you.

4. Let the games begin. This one is a couple of paragraphs long, so hold on tight!

Begin by kissing your man. Kissing is a artform and should be used to convey the message: "You are under my control now". Start working your way down, making pit stops at his ears, base of his neck, his nipples (his are just as sensitive as yours) and the belly button.

Squirt a nice amount of your prefered lube onto your hands and warm it thoroughly (I usually use a flavored one for "Executives"). Lots of women complain of arm cramps during this part, but lots of lubrication means less friction, which means your muscles don't have to work as hard to get the same reaction. Grasp his penis firmly, but not too tight, stroking it lovingly like the jewel it is. Make sure you look like you're enjoying yourself or he's gonna know you ain't feelin' it!

Stroke him a few times just to get the blood flowing, licking around the head just to tease him a bit. Maintain eye contact and for goodness sake, smile! Now, slip his almost hardened penis into your mouth, sealing your lips around it to create an airtight lock. Try sealing your tongue against the back of your throat, sucking the air out of your cheeks. When it feels like your face is concaving, you're where you wanna be, but pay attention to any signals from your man that it's too tight or it hurts. Nine times out of ten you're fine, but pay attention to his cues just in case.

Start slow: you don't want to hurt him and you damn sho don't wanna hurt yourself if you're not used to giving head. Make sure you keep one hand at the base of his penis too. This serves as a barrier should he get overzealous in his attempts to face fuvk you (You can't go any farther down than your hand, so no choking), and also allows for fondling his balls (always a good thing). A rolling motion of the head is good, and you can use your tongue to tease the underside of his head and along the underside of his penis. Moaning produces a vibration that feels good too, so moan as often as it feels good to you.

You need to be able to read your man pretty well to know when to speed up, but handy rule of thumb: when he starts to thrust, he's ready for more. Now this is the fun part. Bring your other hand up, wrapping it around the penis too and twist both hands in opposing directions as you increase your speed and suction. If done correctly, you will have his ass eatin' out of the palm of your hand! Oh, one more thing. Make sure you pull off, letting the penis "pop" out of your mouth, then jump right back onto it like a starvin' negro at a 7 course banquet! He'll be like Mr. Marcus punk azz in no time flat!

Now, some of you might notice that my technique is similar in many aspects to Carrine's, and that is true. I learned my suckie suckie from a professional and a gay male, so... yeah! Anyway, practice, practice, practice!!! You can do it on a toy until you feel comfortable, or you can do it on your man. I suggest doing it on your man because after all, it is his penis you're pleasuring, so go with the flow.

That's all for now, ladies and gents. Have fun, be safe and most of all remember: it's all in the wrists!

Addition Ladies, the testicles are not redheaded stepchildren! Sucking on them gently (the key being gently) is key to giving good head. This is most easily done by first licking, then carefully taking first one, then the other into your mouth and teasing them with your tongue. If your man is adventurous, you might want to try feeling for his prostate too, but that's another lesson! (Thanks to Q for reminding me about this part!!!)

This is Me... Now

Hey ya'll... I decided that since my sex posts on my other blog were such a hit that I would seperate the 2 and make one blog for my life and one for my... misdeeds I guess. Hope ya'll continue to read and enjoy!