Well hello my devoted fans! Welcome to my world, new and improved for 2007! Now, as usual, i was over yonder at my favorite hangout Crunk and Disorderly, and a conversation about Tyrese/Black Ty very quickly derailed and moved on the the subject of anal sex (how the fuck that happened, I'll never know). Anyway, suffice it to say that yours truly has had a lil bit of 'sperience with that backdoor lovin', so I figured since I'm quickly becoming C&D's resident Dr. Ruth, I might as well gone ahead and break this one off.
ANAL SEX FOR THE UNINITIATED
Now, first thing's first, pat yourself on the back for coming out of the dubious mindset that anal sex is dirty/wrong/nasty/whatever your hang up. The anus in and of itself is not dirty, but the bodily waste which passes through the canal is filled with all kinds of bacteria both from the food you eat and the rest of the digestive tract. This little bit of dirt can be overcome with a good enema. I can hear ya'll asses ewwwwwwwwwwwwwin', but an enema is essential if you want your man to put his penis back there without a condom (more on my views on that coming up). And since the anus is simply a temporary storage facility for solid waste (much as the bladder is for urine), a good poop before you do your enema is a nice touch too. The enema will handle all the leftovers, so fall back and continue!
Now, some of ya'll might think that you can just jump in and start riding that booty like it's a horse, but that's the kinds shit that will catch a sistah a case, ya hear me? Proper staging of the stretching of the anus is mandatory! Please believe that them trashy bitches in the porn movies did not just wake up one day and say to themselves "Self, I think I wanna shove a baseball bat sized dick up my ass tonight". No, Most of them started their initiation into anal sex the way any woman with a fuckin' ounce of sense (and an aversion to excruciating pain and an embarrassing as hell trip to the hospital): with a well lubricated (and preferably gloved) finger in their anus (or even licking the anus if you're really feeling skittish) to start. This can be done every night for as long as it takes you to feel comfortable with having something inside (or on) your anal opening.
When that begins to feel good, try adding either a second finger or a medium sized anal plug. You might even want to try a plug that vibrates for extra sensation. I know, I know... thas nasty right? Yeah well, get over it. Continue to do this, adding one finger or moving up to a larger toy until you feel ready to take the plunge and let your man enjoy your "hospitality". My recommendation is to make sure you get a toy which has either a sturdy base ( like this) or one which has a nice handle (my first anal toy)
Now right here is when I take a break to holla at the men I know are reading this shit. Fellas, I know you've been working hard, being patient and shit, so congrats to you on having made it to the finish line so to speak. But ummmm, let me hip ya'll to 3 verrrrrrrrrrrrry important things to know should you desire yo woman to repeat this anal performance for yo simple asses (and I say that shit with luff):
1) the asshole is a non self lubricating orifice. Simply put, my ass don't make it's own juices like my coochie do! Please feel free to put more than a fuckin' dime sized amount of lube on your dick before attempting to ram it inside me! Which brings me to my next point:
2) My ass ain't a fuckin' rubber band! It does not stretch as easily as my bagina, so please, for the love of G-d, stop trying to fuck it like it does! Just cause them nasty heffas in the pornos can fuck like they asses are made from Michellin or Goodyear rubber don't mean that my novice asshole can too! Some of them been doing movies for years. Go slow! Now that brings me to...
3) Just cause them porn ho's do it in every scene don't mean I will! I'm opening my body up to you in ways you can't even imagine, but don't start ackin' like a fuckin' greedy ass donkey just cause I'm giving you my ass. That will catch you a thoat chop, a chin shot and pussy probation for a month! Anal sex may be reserved for the following (and I bet not catch yo punk ass whinin' about it either or I'll pull a Pussy Nazi on yo ass: Nooooooo coochie for you!!!): B'days, Hannukkah, raises, Christmas, New Years, pretty gifts and any other special occassion I or your woman sees fit to dispense it. Don't like it? Kick rocks you greedy muh'fukka! Hmph!
Now, whether or not you wear a condom, is up to you, but I will tell you this: if you don't want your man to catch a yeast infection (yeah, he can catch one which will in turn give you one of you're sexing without a condom), then you need to make him wear one. We basically have 2 options: we either do the ass last if no condom will be worn, or wear one if the coochie comes next WHICH MUST BE CHANGED AS SOON AS IT COMES OUT OF THE ANUS... basically you can't be swapping the dick back and forth lest WE be indisposed next week having a deep, heart to heart with our dear friend Mr Monistat. Don't give me that shit about "he don't like wearing condoms" either, cause hey, this is the '00's and no glove = no love. Condoms also help to keep clean up to a minimum (do you wanna stop the music to help him clean shitty dick? I thought not). I take it you see what I'm talking about?
Ladies, it's mandatory that you be properly relaxed when he begins to push into you. One good way to help ease the insertion is to bear down like you're making a bowel movement. (If you waited long enough after you did your enema, you won't shit on him). Try taking a hot bath and doing whatever you find that helps you to 1) relax and 2) feel very, very sexy because you are about to engage in some very sexually intense behavior. Fantasize, drink a glass of wine, smoke some foggggggg (yeah, thas for you Ninja) or whatever.
Last but not least, lube. Proper application of adequate lubrication is the key to a successful bid in Anal Sexum University. It also helps if you apply the lubrication inside of the asshole as well. I recommend Lube Shooters. They help get the lubricant exactly where it needs to be. If you're looking for a lube, try a silicone based one for anal. It's slipperyer (is that a word? LOL) and lasts a lot longer than a water based lube (less application = less stop/start). Some good ones can be found here Adam & Eve's Silicone Lubes. Those sensation reducing lubes are good if that's what you want, but my experience has shown that 9 times out of 10, if you're properly relaxed and prepped, they're not needed (not to mention they leave his penis numb if used without a condom and make it so he's banging into you without knowing how hard he's going).
Well that's it. You know know everything you need to know about getting your anal sexxy on, so go forth and try it with my blessings. I hope you enjoy... in more ways than one ;) (Q you know you is my new play sister for proofin' this and adding what I missed, right???)
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